Rules of French Movies

Restated and Revised, somewhat. The original was just one rule: after ten minutes (subjective) you will see gratutitous nudity. However, since they took my TV5 away, I've not caught any French movies, until last night; apparently Network 2 has discovered that French Movies With Nudity get them an audience, and are cheap. So, based on watching the last twenty minutes of Les Filles ne savent pas nager (1999), plus prior experience, I present the new Rules of French Movies.

1. There will be nudity within 10 minutes of you starting to watch the movie. Regardless of where in the movie you start.


2. However, this does not translate to start-to-finish nudity; if you watch the whole movie, there will be nudity at the start, and teasers for the rest of the movie that never actually lead to nudity.


3. There will be no discernable plot. I have watched bad pr0n with better plot.


4. The nudity will be entirely gratuituous. There will be no actual plot-based nudity, because there is no plot.


5. The nudity will generally be complete, i.e. full-frontals are not particularly rare.


6. Female nudity is more common than male, but that's not to say that there's no male nudity.


7. "Lolita"-nudity, or "Barely Legal"-nudity if that's more your speed, isn't particularly rare either. I have no idea what the legal requirements are for age-vs.-nudity in French law.


8. Parts of the plot, sorry, plotless series of images, that don't involve nudity will be utterly incomprehensible to you. Popular themes include families, murder, art, and water (rivers, canals, seas) and, of course, artistic murders of families next to or on the water.

That concludes today's lesson. This will be on the term paper.