being social is /hard/

[waider]

I have previously mentioned Jorm's excellent (if flawed) discussion on / guide to social interaction. I was impressed enough with this that I thought I would at least try to bear some of the points in mind when in social situations. Three things I have noticed about this (one of which I'd posted as a comment in tongodeon's journal some time ago):

• If you are in a group of people, and noone is playing Centre Of Attention, and everyone is sufficiently unfamiliar with everyone else that there's not much - if any - shared humour available, there's a heck of a lot of tumbleweed in the conversation. I tried kickstarting things a few times when I wound up in such a group, but since I was making an effort not to focus the conversation on myself, and noone else was running with the baton, it was pretty stilted.
• It's all well and good to tell someone they've upset you or made you angry and not realised it, except... if you're upset for selfish reasons, like that they're not paying you enough attention, and the reasons they're not paying you enough attention are of greater significance (e.g. illness, life troubles, etc.) than your petty ego-stroking requirements, then telling them you're upset may not be the smartest approach. I've chosen to err on the side of caution in these situations. After all, otherwise I'm just trying to be the centre of attention...
• While terse replies do not, in general, foster communication, sometimes people don't take the hint and will continue to talk anyway. I'm not sure if it'd be politer for me to interrupt and say, "Stop talking. Please." or just continue with the terse replies until the "conversation" stops.

Comments

[loosestrife.livejournal.com]

I hadn't read that list of principles before. I don't agree with all of it, but it's interesting.

I often find myself in the position you're describing in your first point: being around a bunch of awkward people who seem to want to talk with each other but can't make it go.

Contrary to all the advice I've ever read anywhere, the only strategy that works for me is to natter on with various observations and anecdotes, hoping people will chime in or at least laugh. Generally they do. I suppose strictly speaking this constitutes grabbing everyone's attention, but I've found it works better than the often recommended interview mode, which puts people on the spot and pisses them off.

[waider.livejournal.com]

Been talking to a few people about this, and the thing is, I'm not saying this is a bible, or using it as such; I think it's a good list of general guidelines and supporting arguments that make a useful springboard into thinking more about how you interact with people. Trying out specific advice from the list is one of my ways of being an incorrigible nerd.

I generally tend to be the gregarious one in any given situation, but I also have a tendency to overdo it and basically deny anyone else access to centre stage. Hence my experiments in keeping off the stage entirely to see what happens. Doing so in a group where noone else wants to play is... interesting.