waider | found non-sequitor

More stuff turned up while sorting through old junk: a post, whether from email, Usenet, or the BBS-a-like we used in college I don't know (nor does Google), but the opening and closing lines have been stuck in my head for ever. Reproduced exactly here as I found it, complete with formatting and typos.

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     There once was a bowling pin named Jamie.  Every time the horse rode
off into the sunset, the beard of the commander in chief would turn purple.
So the townspeople buried fifty thousand gold pieces in order to find where
the wizard put his socks.
     In time the guillotine operator hated the toy surprizes he found in his
cereal box.  Once the king roller-skated, everyone else was free to do their
daily shopping.  And since everyone had an eggbeater, there were no hangings
on New Years' Day.
     The Five-and-Ten store closed when mice gambled in the back room.  I shot
a man for not blessing me after I sneezed.  And there wasn't any hot water
anywhere.
     Dust covered the people playing horseshoes.  The princess woke up after
a 200-pound man fell down on the other side of the world.  My dog died.
     Meanwhile, medical reports connected polio to long fingernails.  The
speeding car kareemed off of three trees and was promptly eaten by a synthetic
replica of David Letterman.  Seven nuts fell from an airplane.
     As I looked into her eyes I lost my gum.  The war had started in my back-
yard, and the general liked my tie collection.  There were 74 stairs up to
the cafeteria, and I wasn't hungry.
     I kicked a stone through the hospital hallway.  Somehere, a man drank a
cup of coffee with four Sweet & Lows in it.  Instantly, the jungle was my
friend.
     The river flowed from nine to five and took a break around 1. All eyes
were focused on me as I stood in front of the blackboard and salted my french
fries.  All I had to do was get those damn sneakers.
     A shade of green escaped out of my toaster.  As I waited for the bus,
I felt a sharp pinprick and felt really awake all year.  And the moon exploded.
     I was losing the game of life and needed a toothpick.  A bird gracefully
wrote the secret to my existence on a gust of wind.  Soon, everyone wanted
to dance.
     The journey seemed like hectometers.  The thought of apricot jelly kept
pounding in my brain for a few seconds.  Her clothes were too big.


     And I was just too fast.