further thoughts on "too dumb to know I'm dumb"

[waider]

I've been wondering about the extension of the "too dumb to know I'm dumb" theory into other realms. For example, there's a David Sedaris piece that I picked up from tongodeon's Christmas Gift collection where he talks about this elf who's really into the whole elf thing and kinda attractive for it and the upshot is that when the elf's off-duty a whole bunch of guys turn up, all of whom thought they were getting the come-on from the elf. The elf says something about how this creeps him out. So I'm wondering is it possible that people who can't read body language, for example, are flinging out "I WANT YOU" vibes without being aware of it. Or to choose a more contentious example, simply because I've run into it more-or-less first hand, someone dressing provocatively¹ yet not realising it because they can't or don't grasp the concept of provocative dress.

[1] this is a terrible choice of word because of what it implies, but at least I can be sure that you'll know exactly what I mean, since the terrible choice of word is also apparently the, well, word of choice.

Comments

[mskala.livejournal.com]

I think part of the problem is that the brain is a loosely coupled multiprocessor. Someone can be sending come-on vibes in a way that is on some level deliberate, even though the part of their mind that uses words and thinks it's in charge didn't know about or authorize it.

As a result of bad experiences with women who either didn't know or didn't want to admit that they were sending come-on vibes to me, or whose vibes I misinterpreted, I've ended up with a strong desire to meet a woman who'd use words to come on to me. I feel like anything else preserves plausible deniability and just isn't as good. I'm aware that this feeling isn't fully rational, and it certainly hasn't made me happy, but it's nonetheless how I feel.

[waider.livejournal.com]

I think part of the problem is that the brain is a loosely coupled multiprocessor. Someone can be sending come-on vibes in a way that is on some level deliberate, even though the part of their mind that uses words and thinks it's in charge didn't know about or authorize it.

I don't think this concept is radically distanced from the paper, largely because you're looking at cause and they're looking at effect. I think it's safe to say that if your conciousness is kicking out come-ons that you're not aware of, then your subconcious is going to have an easy time doing similar as it has the added benefit of stealth .

But, handwave. I always like the quote a friend used in terms of trying to figure out the brain: "if we were smart enough to understand our brains, we wouldn't be able to".

[ronebofh.livejournal.com]

You want to meet a woman, not a girl. And that's perfectly sane. Self-awareness is sexy.

[boutell.livejournal.com]

In my experience, when someone REALLY REALLY wants to get to know you better etc. etc. and they choose to express it nonverbally, it's tough to miss. If you have doubts... so do they. At best. Heh.

[waider.livejournal.com]

Sure, and I've encountered that. But there's a lesser stage there, a sort of "I will if you will" where this doesn't apply, and where I imagine the non-verbals are a lot, um, louder. Which is neither here nor there; you seem to have missed the point of what I was posting about!

[boutell.livejournal.com]

Not really, but it seemed pretty rhetorical (you expect someone has the answer), and I just felt like talking about the subject. I'm pretty interesting for a dumb American, you know.

[waider.livejournal.com]

Well, um, sure. I said, "I wonder if people unknowingly express interest in others because they don't recognise expressions of interest in others", and you said, "people who really want you will throw themselves at you, I find", which to me looks like you're either discussing some other aspect of the mating game or you're trying to publicise successful experiences, neither of which addresses what I think is an interesting point of discussion. Adopting what appears to be the tone of your reply, you can be pretty dumb for an interesting American, you know.

[boutell.livejournal.com]

I didn't say they would throw themselves at you; just that it can be awfully unambiguous. Anyway, end of goofy flameage.

[kehoea.livejournal.com]

Umm. Reminds me of a conversation I had once upon a time, with a female friend, about one of her friends (who is _really_ attractive, let me make this clear). When she wasn't regularly being chatted up by interested fellas, she felt desperately insecure, and would effectively say as much to my friend. She has since entered a long-term relationship with someone she's really into, and who's really into her, and it has apparently eased off.

Perhaps your acquaintance was similarly insecure on some level, was fishing for the attention, but didn't want to admit to it.

One plus about being a bloke; I can't imagine any man I know basing his self-esteem on how often he was chatted up. That said, I have a stark lack of gay friends, for whom this may be more common.