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underworld, with spoilers
In which I explain what I didn't like about Underworld. Most of what I did like can be summed up by saying, "Kate Beckinsale in black leather/rubber/PVC/whatever". So having allowed it to percolate in my head overnight, here's the bad stuff, with spoilers:
- The vampires are CRAP. We get one blood-sucking, one centuries-old revival, and one levitates-and-clings-to-the-ceiling. Beyond that, they could just be a bunch of decadent goths. The werewolves at least get to do the metamorphosis bit.
- Thousand-rounds-of-ammunition gunfights. They've been fighting each other for a few hundred years, yet not one of them appears to be able to shoot straight, and man do those clips hold a lot of ammo.
- The cutting. Oh jebus the cutting. At one point in the Michael/Viktor fight I thought that Mikey's new abilities included cloning himself, because one of the jump-cuts made it look as if he was in two places simultaneously. Then there's all the camera-down-werewolf's-throat stuff, and the fight sequences where you can't really tell what's what because everyone's dressed in black and the angle keeps changing so you don't get a chance to see who exactly is fighting
- The music. Either there's none, or there's some random bunch of guitar stranglers you've never heard of trying to drown out whatever's happening on screen.
- Obvious Sequel Setup. I hate the fucking things. Leave a gap for a sequel, sure, but don't have a fucking VOICEOVER to tell us about it.
- Random nitpicks: where the fuck did Kraven go? how come Mikey the uberbeast - stronger than both vampire and werewolf - got his ass handed to him on a plate by a revenant vampire who by his own admission was not properly reawakened? "Romeo and Juliet for Vampires and Werewolves" - yeah right. Did either of the writers even read R&J? Random discarding of potentially useful and certainly familiar vampire lore - the vampires have reflections, etc. - defended by one of the writers as having no scientific basis. So, er, what about the levitating chick sticking to the ceiling?
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